Had my partner of many years noticed that things were going badly wrong? She maintains that she only realised when there were just 4 weeks of our relationship left and I can't say that she's wrong. I thought that she knew I was unhappy but I'll have to accept that she didn't.
She first picked up on it when I couldn't say that I loved her as we said goodnight. I might have behaved appallingly, but I never lied to her. Well, I did for about 10 minutes once and that was on the night that we broke up. A pointless and unnecessary lie that I revoked almost immediately. The fact that I'd told it in the first place probably spoke volumes.
And I never cheated on her.
Friday, November 16, 2007
About Me
I've always been an optimistic person. Never noted for mood swings (although I guess my mum would dispute that). Generally upbeat and happy with myself. I have some great friends who I know that I could turn to at the drop of a hat. But I've never been one for leaning on people, probably because I've never needed to before.
I'm not a religious person. But I've always felt that someone was watching out for me. Daft? Probably, but things have always just turned out right for me. For the first time in my life I'm worried that's not the case, so what should I do about it?
I appreciate that this is already sounding rather self pitying. And if that stops you from reading on then I wouldn't be surprised. This is my attempt to cheer myself up. Comments will be gratefully received.
I'm not a religious person. But I've always felt that someone was watching out for me. Daft? Probably, but things have always just turned out right for me. For the first time in my life I'm worried that's not the case, so what should I do about it?
I appreciate that this is already sounding rather self pitying. And if that stops you from reading on then I wouldn't be surprised. This is my attempt to cheer myself up. Comments will be gratefully received.
What Pushed Me?
Why did I decide to tell her? Predictably enough it was because my head was turned by another person. Someone that I had known for a long time but had never had any feelings other than professional respect and friendship for.
It built slowly over weeks and months. An exchange of emails and text messages built things to a point where I new that this wasn't only to be a friendship. What I could have had no idea of at the time, was how strong these feelings would grow. I still don't understand how they got to the point that I'm at now, because I thought that I had been in love before. I'm sure that I had, but it was nothing like this.
It built slowly over weeks and months. An exchange of emails and text messages built things to a point where I new that this wasn't only to be a friendship. What I could have had no idea of at the time, was how strong these feelings would grow. I still don't understand how they got to the point that I'm at now, because I thought that I had been in love before. I'm sure that I had, but it was nothing like this.
The Decision
A year ago I was too chicken to make that decision. So I probably did little to let her now that I was unhappy with the situation. Yes, I did try to point out the things that were annoying me, but I didn't make it clear enough.
That's one of the things that I've learnt this year. Would it have made a difference? To the outcome of our relationship I don't think that it would. To her state of mind, and now to mine, I think so.
I know that I broke her heart and I'll never forgive myself for that, even if she one day manages to forgive me.
That's one of the things that I've learnt this year. Would it have made a difference? To the outcome of our relationship I don't think that it would. To her state of mind, and now to mine, I think so.
I know that I broke her heart and I'll never forgive myself for that, even if she one day manages to forgive me.
My Partner
When I say loving, I mean loving. She would have done anything for me and I know that she loved me completely. She may still. She would have tried to change anything about her personality that would have kept me interested.
But I didn't love her anymore. It's hard to put my finger on why, I still don't know and yet it's probably more than a year ago that I stopped loving her.
So what do you do? Do you tell her that it's over, split up and sell the house, or do you try to make it work?
But I didn't love her anymore. It's hard to put my finger on why, I still don't know and yet it's probably more than a year ago that I stopped loving her.
So what do you do? Do you tell her that it's over, split up and sell the house, or do you try to make it work?
The Beginning
I'd say that this all started about 6 months ago, although my sister reckons that I probably had the wheels in motion at least 6 months before that. I thought that I was happy. Surely with a loving partner, a nice house and a good, stable job you couldn't be unhappy. Right?
I still think that that should be the case, although I've learnt an awful lot in 6 months. Not how to write captivating prose I'm sure, but then I'm not really expecting anyone to find or read this blog. I'm just hoping that there's something cathartic about writing it.
I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment, which is ironic because the last 6 months have contained many of the best moments of my life so far.
I still think that that should be the case, although I've learnt an awful lot in 6 months. Not how to write captivating prose I'm sure, but then I'm not really expecting anyone to find or read this blog. I'm just hoping that there's something cathartic about writing it.
I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment, which is ironic because the last 6 months have contained many of the best moments of my life so far.
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